An Open Letter to the Individual Attempting To Make My Acquaintance Via An Email That Was Miscategorized As Spam

30 Nov 2011

My Dearest Charlotte Gustman:

I would like to begin by thanking you for your letter. When I checked my email this evening, I was expecting little more than a note from my mother and, if I was so fortunate, a video of a kitten waking up. While I did receive both (my mother is doing quite well, thank you for asking. And, worry not, the kitten video has been included for your viewing enjoyment), your email was the most pleasant of them all.

If I may offer a compliment, I must say that your email starts rather strongly by inquiring as to my sexual exploits and whether I had the opportunity to engage in intercourse with Eastern European women. Then, knowing me to be a simple North American boy and that I was unlikely to have had the pleasure, you asked whether I would be interested in such an international foray with the underlying implication that you, in some way, could facilitate it. I confess that, at this point, I had assumed that you, Charlotte, were offering yourself to me.

As such, I was delighted to hear that you were in America. While I am unable to cross the border and actually enter the United States, the notion of your proximity was quite arousing. I wondered whether I would be able to convince you, my new Russian friend, to travel to the Great White North in order to satisfy my curiosity about women from abroad. It was a romantic fantasy, but I did not believe it to be a hopeless fiction as you seemed earnest in your interest.

Imagine my surprise when, upon continued reading, I discovered that you, Charlotte, have a penis and were looking for a sexual partner to use it upon. I understand that gender is a complicated notion and if you identify as female I fully support you. That being said, I cannot help but feel somewhat betrayed. You were not open and upfront with me about the status of your genitalia and, because of that, there has been a misunderstanding and my original fantasy was shattered. Granted, I must assume some responsibility in this matter – I should have known that Charlotte is the second most common European name and, translated from Russian, means “human being with a penis.”.

Still, it is my opinion that you should have been more forthcoming. On a medium as anonymous as the Internet, the onus can hardly be on me to identify the genitalia of every potential sexual parter that approaches me. If we had met in person, I could forgive you for staying silent as it would be a moot point and, even if it were somehow not, it would be my responsibility to request clarity on the matter. Furthermore, I cannot be expected to know the complexities of the Russian language. I am, after-all, reading this in English and you should have to learn to be fluent in it before attempting correspondence on this side of the Internet.

While I appreciate that you, a newcomer to America, are interested in finding a mate and potential life-parter, I do not believe that I will be able to open my heart to you and fill that void in your life. The betrayal is too fresh, the wound still too deep. Perhaps, with time, I will be able to find a way to love again. If that time comes and you are still interested, perhaps we will find each other again. I do, after all, have your particulars and should have no difficulty in renewing this correspondence.

As such, I will not be visiting the website that you recommended in our correspondence. I believe that a clean break would be best, if there is to be any hope for us in future.

You are a beautiful creature and I appreciate the time that we had together. Remain strong and I am sure that you will find someone who is able to stimulate and fulfill you as you had hoped I would. Enjoy your time in America, Charlotte.